If we’re honest

A day in the life…
(I hope to do this regularly, sharing my struggles, my victories, in the hopes that it may encourage someone, reminding them that they aren’t alone.)

My Friday morning

6:30 am alarm goes off
6:30 am hit snooze
6:38 am alarm goes off
6:38 am hit snooze
6:46 am alarm goes off

6:46 am Roll my eyes at the fact the sun has arrived on time, as usual, and tell myself I am a pathetic loser who should have set her alarm for 6:00 am, had her time with God, worked out, and had a healthy breakfast made for all those who are needing to be out the door in twenty minutes. (Yes, most days I take off the warm covers of my bed and replace them with the heavy covers of guilt for not being what I think I should be.) I then attempt to spend the next four minutes trying to enjoy the quiet, laying next to my amazing husband, before the chaos starts.
6:50 am get dressed and start coffee, wake up whoever hasn’t responded well to their alarms. (I don’t know where they get that!)
7:00 am Pack lunches, unless they were packed the night before, but that only happens if we have leftovers and were easy to transfer to lunch box containers. Hand granola bar to my school-bound, eight year old son. Tell myself how pitiful I am to only have a granola bar ready for him. Begin to reminisce about his adoption, and how if the Judge could see me only handing him a granola bar, would he have still allowed the adoption? Or would he have said, “No! This boy needs a mom that will give him more than a granola bar! This boy needs yogurt and fruit to go along with it. This petition is denied!”?  Snap myself back into the present.
7:15 am Kiss my son good-bye, pray over him (most days unless the guilt has already won and I’ve convinced myself my prayers would do more damage than good.) Kiss my husband good-bye and tell myself he deserves better than the girl with hair in a messy bun, struggling with her weight that he is stuck with.
7:30 am Say good-bye to my 19-yr old as she drives to work, praying for her safety and God to use her in mighty way as she shares His love with so many people. She works at a small town grocery store, and her smile and kind heart bless more people than she will ever know.
7:35 am Try to have some quiet time with God, reading His Word, while in the background my 4-yr old who has special needs and my 2-yr old start calling my name. And by calling, I mean hollering, “MOM!! MOM!!!” I find myself praying softly, interrupting my conversation with yelling, “Just a minute!!!” “Be quiet!!!” Then I ask myself, “What kind of mother yells at her kids, and worse, yells while she is reading her Bible?” A comment about being a pathetic loser once again is whispered.
7:45 am Release this loud dynamic duo from their beds. Get them breakfast, also a granola bar or maybe it was dry cereal,  and take a deep breath. I’m already sick and tired of myself, exhausted of this battle playing out in my head, and trying not to cry at the fact that it’s not even 8am.

—-

Okay, I’m going to stop there because my attempt to be transparent has resulted in me realizing how much I still let shame and guilt define me. Grrr! Why do I let these insults and lies sneak in and ruin a perfectly good start to a beautiful day? I thought I was over this. I have applied Truth to much of my dialogue, and I no longer tell myself I’m the exception to every promise in God’s Word. I thought I was doing well, but looking at my morning, I am embarrassed to see how negative and pressure-filled my day began.

The burden of it all can paralyze me. The self-doubt, the panic attacks, the lies, it can quickly become the background noise in my head. Most days I can silence it with reminding myself of God’s Truth, and by simplifying my day so the pressure isn’t so great. Mainly, I can stop the train wreck by making the decision to call the lies what they are, lies of satan. That’s always what it comes back to. God’s Truth vs the lies of satan.

Let’s start with my first lie of the day. “I am a pathetic loser” What does the Bible say about that? I’ve read the Word a lot, and without Christ, I know this could be used to describe my destiny; lost,  living pathetically without hope.  But then God got a hold of me, and now I am His.  This changes everything.

My mom has a printout hanging in her home, in her bathroom to be specific, where she can see it as she gets ready for her day. This paper has been there since I was a teenager, and has seen many types of hair products and trends, but the Truth it reads is timeless. Here is what it says:

I Am…
a child of God (Romans 8:16)
forgiven (Colossians 1:13,14)
saved by grace through faith (Ephesians 2:8)
justified (Romans 5:1)
a new creature (2 Corinthians 5:17)
led by the Spirit of God (Romans 8:14)
kept in safety wherever I go (Psalm 91:1)
casting all my cares on Jesus (1 Peter 5:7)
doing all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13)
bringing every thought into captivity (2 Corinthians 10:5)
being transformed by a renewed mind (Romans 12:1,2)
the righteousness of God in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:21)
an imitator of Jesus (Ephesians 5:1)
filled with laughter and rejoicing (Job 8:21)

Did you catch that? The words: forgiven, grace, being transformed, righteousness. Those are not words used to describe a loser. Yet, those are words God uses to describe His children; words used to describe me. These are words that are offered not because of something I need to do, but because of Who God is. Oh, the thought of truly and continually grasping this reality! To be free from the guilt and shame, unable to even hear the lies of the evil one. To confidently and completely embrace the Truth each morning instead of allow my mind to be the host and entertainer of the lies that prevent me from living the life God has given me; I am overwhelmed at the thought.

 

This ‘if we’re honest’ post was inspired by the song “If We’re Honest” by Francesca Battistelli. Bringing my brokeness in the hopes of bringing others who are hurting to find mercy in the arms of our Beautiful Savior.

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